Dysthymia

Hypomania has definitely left the building. As usual during the high moods, I thought I would never ever get depressed again, that I cured myself for good, and as usual, I now feel like my life is over and I’m lucky to have a roof over my head. I hope this blog will be an exercise in authenticity. I hope being opened about my two states will help reconcile them.

At least I don’t want to die today… I’m not as hopeless as I sometimes get, but I do want to give up eating well, exercising and more importantly, I want to stop giving energy to projects I may never have the balls to accomplish. It’s difficult to watch the power of my full potential completely ebb out of view. It’s like a tide, bringing hundreds of rare, shiny pearls to shore, but before you can reach them, the tide pulls it’s treasures back in. With the proper diagnosis, I can stay closer and closer to the shore line; my hands nearly in reach of the precious loot. Maybe one day I’ll be close enough to snatch a few before the tide goes down. Just enough to keep me going in the low moods.

I know this is all a narrative. It’s what my ego tells itself as an excuse to not act… but what do you think I’m doing here. I want to re-rewrite my narrative, but this time, I don’t want to fake it till I make it. I just want to be me, all of me, the full me. If I’m fearlessly authentic, I will find my place. I will find my way.