It’s hard to follow the stream when your mind is a tsunami.

It’s been a month since my last entry.
Not much happened since, except maybe gaining the awareness that now that I have the opportunity to do everything I could possibly dream of, I can’t find the courage to. Not unlike a drunken man shouting at an opponent in a bar: “You’re lucky there’s people here! I would fuck you up if no one was holding me back” only to take a piss in an alley an hour later and the other guy shows up. Suddenly he’s deflated “oh hey I was just kidding”.

I spent the last 4 years daydreaming of creating content. Here, I even have the receipt! The youtube channel I had created… I even bought a 700$ camera and never filmed a single video :

Jung says that idealism is an addiction and I believe him. I think I’ve hidden for a long time behind the idea that I couldn’t be successful because I was trapped in late stage capitalism. Too exhausted by the 9 to 5 necessary for my survival to start any other projects, but I’ve been resting for a whole month and I have 2 more ahead of me and my drive is deflating at the same speed my muscle mass is.

I’ve been fueled for the past 4 years by the idea that I would be able to do something great with my life and now that I have the chance I’m blowing it.

I haven’t given on myself, I just need to find the correct path for me. The right way to be creative, the right way to connect with people.

I still have time.