Letter to my mother.

Shame is one of the greatest barriers to growth.
It keeps us stuck in our suffering, isolated in the belief that we should be able to “fix ourselves” without help. Shame silences us when we most need support, and ultimately prevents us from reaching our full potential.

Shame is born not from within, but from the gaze of others—from judgment, whether spoken or implied.
Think about falling: if you tripped alone, you might laugh it off, but fall in front of a crowd, and suddenly it can feel humiliating. Shame arises when someone assumes they know why we are the way we are, when they define us by a perceived flaw and decide—consciously or not—that we are less worthy of love, safety, or connection because of it; and we believe them.

These judgments frequently come from places of privilege—from people for whom something is easier. And it’s uncomfortable for anyone to admit that life has been kinder to them in certain ways. It can be tempting instead to believe that success or well-being comes purely from merit or character. That belief allows people to overlook the role of structural inequality—and to hold on to their advantages without guilt.

But real personal growth is complex. There are four widely accepted drivers of change:

1. Having suffered enough,
2. Having access to resources,
3. Knowing how,
4. Being inspired to

Only one of these is about consciousness or awareness. So when someone suggests that another person is struggling only because they lack the right mindset, it can be deeply hurtful—and inaccurate. In our friend’s case, for example, assuming her struggle is a “consciousness issue” overlooks the very real possibility that she may lack support, resources, or emotional readiness. That kind of simplification doesn’t help—it reinforces shame. And whether you mean to or not, that kind of framing has caused so much pain in my life.

I’ve spent many years trying to untangle myself from the shame I internalized through your judgments, which stems from the false belief that you know why I am the way I am, or worse, that there’s something wrong with me that needs to be fixed.
You’ve often tried to help me using the tools that worked for you—as though there’s one universal solution, one key. But I’m not you. You found your way using a certain kind of understanding, but applying it to me without curiosity or adaptation hasn’t worked. I’ve felt unseen, misunderstood, and even harmed by this approach. When you don’t hold space for someone as they are, but rather await a different version of them, what you are actually doing is manifesting the worst version of them!

You often seem to believe you know why I am the way I am. But that belief—that you already know the answers—has made it hard for you to really see me. You’ve developed a framework that doesn’t leave much room for difference or nuance, and it’s painful to feel like I only exist within your assumptions, rather than as a full, unique person.

When someone believes they’ve reached a higher state of consciousness, it can lead them to unconsciously position others as “less than.” This can close the door to real listening, connection, and mutual growth. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the need to question their own perspective or stay curious about others.

I am really trying, mom.
I’m trying to have a relationship with you. But so often, I find myself shouting in my head because any conversation that isn’t fully in agreement with your world view, becomes a battle field, so because I don’t want to yell at you, I yell in my head. And when people yell—verbally or internally—it’s usually because they’ve tried everything else. I’m exhausted from carrying this anger alone. I don’t want it anymore. I want a connection where I don’t have to carry the burden of being misunderstood.

You’ve had a path to growth that included privilege—resources, inspiration, and support—and only lacked the “know-how.” But not everyone has that same foundation. Many in my generation and others—people like me or our friend—face different, sometimes invisible barriers: financial strain, social isolation, mental health struggles, systemic injustice. Saying it’s just a “consciousness” issue erases all of that, and whether you mean to or not, it’s incredibly invalidating. 

Yes, there is a consciousness issue. But it’s not necessarily with the people struggling. It may be with those who’ve benefitted from privilege and haven’t yet recognized how complex other people’s realities can be.