The chronically unseen and the difficulties in self-improvement.

I’m not pitying myself, but my life has not been a walk in the park. If I died tomorrow and was asked “do you want to do it all over again?”, the answer would absolutely be NO. First there’s the anhedonia that just makes it so that I can’t really feel joy or happiness from the things that should bring me joy or happiness. Then there’s the emotions that runs deeper than the Mariana trench. There’s all the abuse, the one I received and the one I did. Being alive is an act of courage. I don’t really want to be here, I’m trying to make the best of it.

From that perspective, it is so incredibly painful to me to hear things like “When you really care about your health you’ll start working out”. Ugh. Punch in the face. I can barely manage to stay alive. Of course I know the importance of regular exercise. I wish it was that easy for me. First, I’m not good at doing things for me, I am more interested in showing up for others. Secondly, I am drained by living in this oppressive capitalist system, the mere act of not giving up is taking all my resources. You want me to work out on top of it? Ugh. The expectations, the feeling of not being seen, the burden of being constantly misunderstood just digs me deeper into the couch.

How can we show up for people who are struggling with basic self-care due to chronic depression or anxiety? The fist step would be to keep your judgement to yourself. Be grateful that your own fitness journey only required a small push from you and hold space for the fact that things might be different for others. I have to battle with all the times I’ve failed myself in that regard, every time I thought I was re-starting my fitness journey and gave up, with the shame and self-loathing this brought on. I have to battle with being dumped for being too fat and how I don’t want to contribute with a zeitgeist that reduces women to their physical appearances. I have to grow into a more loving person and forgive myself for my past mistakes enough to WANT to give myself the gift of health. It’s not an easy journey. Every time I think of hitting the gyms, I feel all of these thoughts weighing on me. I’ve been climbing these stairs in my head for a couple of years now… I can’t go any faster, especially not without support, or having to deal with other people’s judgements.

This is an experience that is often shared among the chronically unseen and invalidated. It starts with people with privilege being unable to appreciate the fact that things are easier for them then they are for others. For them, not being able to move their body in space and time would be the outcome of laziness, so they automatically assume that everyone else is the same. They refuse to believe us when we say we are having a different internal experience, we then enter a constant battle to be seen and understood. Why do you think so many of us are eager to say we are neurodivergent? Because it’s the only way you’ll accept that we know our internal experience more than you do.