What no one tells you about surviving a narcissist parent.

What no one tells you about being raised by a narcissist, is the self doubt that plagues you. Imagine needing decades to realize that what your parent has been telling you your whole life is a lie with the purpose of sparing their own image. My mother has been telling me, and anyone who will hear it, that I could be healed of all my ailments if I wanted to. That my chronic depression, suicidal ideation and violent mood swings are nothing other than a failure at establishing correct priorities. I, of course, being the one stain on her pristine reputation, she had to put all the blame on me instead of admitting that she failed to provide proper medical care to her 13 years old daughter who thought she was a nympho, her 14 years old child who used to carve the words “there is no love for a whore” on her arm with a razor blade, her 15 years old who attempted suicide for the first time… She never wanted to admit that she failed me so she spent my life convincing me that I failed myself.
I believed her for a really long time… until my 4th suicide attempt, the one that came after so much “healing” work. Only after decades of “trying” and failing at her description of normalcy have I accepted that maybe, my brain just isn’t braining right. Through that acceptance, I have found more peace than through any of the holistic healing that she ever proposed.
Today, I am paralyzed by the fear of being like mother. I have so many ideas, so much drive, but I am plagued by self doubt. I am absolutely terrified of being her. I have no bigger fear than to be loud and wrong like she is, or worse, to be loud and hurt people. I’m scared to write words that invalidate, discriminate and hurt… it’s my absolute biggest fear, and frankly, I don’t really know how to push through. I am so scared of being wrong, I’d rather die a loser than take the risk.