Demi-sexual vs. Noetisexual and why the difference is important to me.

I’ve been writing personal garbage for the past few post, so since the inspiration knocked to talk about something that’s actually interesting to other people, I thought I’d seize the opportunity.

Demi-sexuality is characterized by becoming sexually attracted to someone when deep emotional bonds have been formed. Noetisexuality, is a sexual attraction towards people who share a world view, philosophies and mindscapes. In practice, these two things can look quite similar, but the difference is vastly important to me.

I find that in demi-sexuality, there is an implication of expectation, as if the “emotional bond” meant a certain level of devotion, forecasting of time spent and frequency of dates or even some sort of hierarchy of relationship (if you’re poly). This is not at all what I need, in fact, I deeply aspire to always be present and without expectations in my relationships —within of course, certain limits to respect being honored. However, for me, sex cannot exists solely in the physical realm. I am not capable of letting my body have sex without my mind being in full communion as well. For this reason, I need to see and feel seen by the person I am with and that requires a certain amount of time and getting to know each other—which can look the same as establishing emotional bonds in demisexuality

I bear no judgment on people who do have the ability to have purely physical sex, in fact, I am quite envious of them. I can only dream of the kind of security you need to have nurtured to achieve this, especially as a woman in a patriarchal world, but I definitely am not there at this point in my life.

I often use the term demi-sexual simply for not having the energy to explain what noetisexual is, but the term noetisexual is definitely more accurate. It also explains well how I am not attracted to physical attributes, at least not those that cannot be controlled. The few things I appreciate about a person’s look are what their looks says about them; the way they self express, represent themselves and the level of authenticity I can perceive. I truly feel no difference of attraction over short or tall, fat or skinny, genders, or anything else that doesn’t say anything about who a person is.

What do you think your attraction says about you?