Is ghosting a modern issue?

I was pondering on the topic of ghosting, something that has been the source of so much trauma in my life. I’m a loud mouth, I walk the tightrope between speaking my truth and being a bitch, now with much more caution than I did in my past. I take responsibility towards improving my communication skills, but I was raised by a man who thought yelling “SHUT UP DUMBASS” was an acceptable thing to say to a 5 years old. Coupled with the fact that, how I deal with social anxiety, is by unintentionally taking a lot of space, I found myself the target of cancellation more than once in my life.

While thinking about radical inclusion, the need for belonging and ghosting, I started to wonder why such few self help books talk about ghosting, and it occurred to me that ghosting is primarily a modern problem. Picture yourself in the early 90’s. Your only means of communication is a landline. Don’t like your ex? Easy : Don’t call. If they call, say you’re busy or just walking out of the house. Don’t invite them over. You can spend years without having to deal with them! The need for ghosting and permanently ending relationships come as a side effect of social media and instant messaging. It’s understandable that a person doesn’t want to see their ex posting pictures with their new partners. Has anyone truly analyzed the impact that instant messaging has had on our relationships? I have had relationships end because of comment wars on a post, or because words, through text, were misinterpreted and I wonder if these relationship would have endured in a world of more archaic communications. I wonder if the omnipresent nature of communication in the age of instant messaging weighs on us constantly, making us raw and reactive to the smallest misunderstandings?

I’ve ended relationships in my life, sure, but I’ve always done so while leaving the door open. The ghosting I was a victim of has traumatized me probably more than anything else I’ve been through in my adult life, and that’s understandable, since belonging is at the core of mental health. To this day, I find it difficult to maintain casual friendships. I seem to need a confirmation that I am wanted to feel at ease, otherwise the fear of being ghosted is too strong for me to relax and feel at home with people. And let me make this clear, I’m not afraid of people not liking me or walking out of my life, I’m afraid of being ghosted, left unread, no doors for communication, no explaining myself, bound to live in someone’s psyche as an evil person who hurts others on purpose. That is the ghosting I am referring to here. That kind of ghosting, is nothing short of emotional abuse.

It is definitely difficult to take time and space away from people who trigger us, regardless of our ability to determine whether or not they meant to, or at least knew the impact their actions had. It’s difficult to protect ourself in a world where you can’t simply physically leave difficult conversations; everyone is always a message away from reaching you, on many platforms! but how much thought do we give to the person on the other side? How many times have my directedness been interpreted as an attack and I’ve found myself, once again, becoming someone’s villain while I was the one being abandoned and permanently wounded?

Two years ago, my husband was ghosted by a friend of twelves years. Twelve years of very close friendship, thrown in the garbage without ANY communication. His crime? He sent her three texts, none of which she answered, so he should have known she needed space and not call her on top of it. She texted him that she couldn’t tolerate his disrespect and lack of consideration and she didn’t want to talk about it and closed all doors to communication. To this day, he still thinks about her several times a week… That, is very serious trauma.

I think we deeply underestimate the trauma that ghosting is, and it’s definitely worth talking about. I’d love to hear your ghosting stories in the comments, let’s talk about it!