Growth does happen…

Holy fucking shit. Today I was cleaning my laptop and I found a letter I sent to my now husband, two years ago.

A breakup letter.

Reading it was … eye opening. It’s really incredible to witness how far we’ve come together in this way. The things I said to him in that letter were things I said to a lot of my exes… and things I will never have to say ever again because I can certainly say that I now know what it’s like to be truly loved (and also because I now have healthy boundaries).

I’m gonna share it since I think it could be inspiring to someone who’s never felt love because they had garbage childhoods, it might be inspiring that it CAN happen.

In case you’re curious, here’s how I made it happen: I ended up doing a very short round of therapy and realizing the reason I felt such a need for promises and reassurances was because new age philosophy had thought me that I could make anything happen if I worked hard enough at it… So I was giving and giving and pouring so much energy, building expectations of people they never agreed to…. Once I learned to only give without ever building expectations, to let the ball bounce back and forth instead of throwing all my balls at the person I wanted, everything changed and relationship magic happened.

Enjoy old borderline Alice :

Dear Skyler,
After a rocky 2 weeks, I am finally getting back to my normal self. However, as the clock takes me closer to our date tonight, I feel myself getting very anxious and uncomfortable.
I have done my absolute best to understand and overcome the anxiety I have been feeling around you since the bubble pop, but unfortunately, I must conclude that I’m unable to defeat it and I have reached a point where I simply cannot allow myself to continue feeling this way.
As far as I can understand it, I cannot enjoy you being there for the good moments unless I am 100% certain that you will be there for the bad ones too… and so far, you have not. I know that you’ve tried, but I have special needs and one of those needs is to not take my special needs personally.
I can’t shake the way you looked at me from the kitchen when I said I didn’t feel special to you. What I needed was for you to come over, hug me and tell me I’m special, but like most guys, you just take me not feeling special as me saying you’re not doing enough. You can’t see my wounds, my trauma, and the depth of the unfairness of what my childhood was like. I’m not trying to victimize myself… but this is my reality, and I don’t think it’s unfair that I don’t want to give my best to someone who treats my worst so poorly. You don’t understand that I have never felt loved, not even once, not even a little. I don’t know how to be loved and there’s no amount of therapy or books that can teach me… only the patience of someone that actually loves me.

Thank you for the beautiful summer memories. I hope we can stay friends after a little period to let the dust settle…
I know it’s kinda shitty to do this by text, so I’m open to have a closure conversation if you want to have it in a few weeks when I’ve enjoyed a couple of anxiety-free weeks.

I wish you the best of luck with your marathon, I know you will be fantastic.

With love,
Alice