I am Sisyphus without a rock.

On the first day of my trip, I was blessed with integration. Not an epiphany, not another one of those teachings that only floats in your head as a foreign concept remaining to be proven, but integration, a moment in time when I was able to actually make a different choice.

As I am riding the high of getting closer to becoming the person I want to be, I am not unaware that 3 weeks from now, I will be back to square one. Something will trigger me, I will spend weeks internalizing, analyzing, rewriting the narrative a hundred times until it fits who I am authentically as well as who I want to be, intentionally. I don’t think this is a particularly unique experience: the human experience is composed of waves from disconnection to consciousness, confusion to understanding, rince and repeat. But there is a component missing to my equation; I am Sisyphus without a rock. I have not yet found my purpose, the meaning to my existence, my reason to keep rinsing and repeating. I ache and crave to be of service, but it seems to be an incessant battle between my fear of being my mother (very loud and very wrong), my need to be seen and my genuine desire to serve humanity.

I know from my years of teaching dance that I am a good teacher and I love to teach, but when I was a pole dancer, I knew I was one of the best (medals to prove it). When it comes to teaching the ways of the world, who THE FUCK am I? My specific neurodivergence makes it incredibly difficult for me to learn from others, to sit still long enough to read, to absorb information without being critical, to remain interested… but also, considering that 20 years in self-healing, holistic circles have bore NO FRUITS whatsoever, I don’t feel like teaching someone else’s ways is my path either.

I also feel like being able to relate to your therapist/healer/teacher is important. I know for myself, I have had such a hard time with the teachers and healers I’ve come about in my life because I could not relate to them in any possible way… I am an unwanted child who was physically assaulted by my father and mentally assaulted by my mother… Here you are, paid studies by your two loving parents, how could you possibly understand what I am going through? So I do see the value in someone outside of the traditional path taking their own stance; I want people to look at me and think “if she can do it, so can I”‘.

All of this can be summarized into this issue : do I believe we have a destiny, or do we create our destiny? Well, I guess, both. I think, for example, of Trump. I don’t think anyone alive today has witnessed a more deluded person, this man’s delusion has led him to be at the head of the most powerful country in the world; proving we create our destiny. No one can argue that Trump’s impact on the world is negative; many politicians are following suit in his bullying approach, we’ve seen a significant increase in racism, sexism and transphobia. Only to name a few of the negative impacts he’s had. And so I feel, the world is not inherently good. My own desire to teach others could be nothing but a reflection of my own ego, of my need and desire to be seen. But I also see the world as deterministic… meaning there is a place where time doesn’t exist, so all my choices have already been made, I am a mere passenger to my own story. The idea that I have a choice in the matter, or things to figure out, is a delusion to keep me interested.

On the other hand, everywhere I look I am being told “Believe in yourself, manifest your destiny, create the life you want to live”…. but what if the way I design my own self is toxic to others? How can I maintain focus on my goals, but still be receptive to messages from the universe and not turn into my toxic narcissistic mother? I have never seen a good example of that. Most people that seems to achieve status in a teacher/healer career seems to be very self involved and any criticism is met with a tone of “Sorry you’re not mature enough to understand my teachings”. Could I be a flawed teacher? How can I be self confident but also receptive to criticism?

Please god send me some fucking guidance before my brain explodes.