A sad, but hopeful post.

As I slowly shift my focus onto being who I am now and abandon, temporarily, my relentless attempts at becoming a different person, I try to sit deeper with my mood swings, accept them as they come and not want to change them.

Something beautiful is happening, I am feeling less and less hopeless. In the past, I used to panic. This panic was the result of my deep fear that if I did not “heal” or “fix” myself, I would never belong, I would never be worthy of being loved. Considering that in her last email to me, my mother told me that if I wanted a relationship with her, I needed to heal my wounds once and for all, it’s easy to understand where this twisted perspective came from. Now that I’ve cut her from my life and I am finally learning to sit WITH my pain, without jugement, without fear or panic… I don’t feel hopeless in it. I don’t fear it will be forever, in fact, I hold the certainty that I will be fine soon and that feels like an incredible improvement.

But the pain is still there, the feeling that I don’t deserve to exist, that I’m a mistake, that I slipped god’s attention. I read once “not everyone is here to heal, some people are here to remind you of what happens if you don’t” and I remember at that time I was still trapped in the mindset that I needed to heal myself and I was working SO HARD at it… and crashing equally hard regularly. I remember reading this quote and feeling pity towards those that I considered to be the lessons. Today, I’m afraid of being the lesson… I’m afraid that if I don’t push myself, I will be a republican’s nightmare : a useless mooch. The truth is, I’d rather fucking kill myself than work a 40 hours job in an office again. I’m banking on the fact that if I do take the time to rest without jugement for a little while, I will find the energy to be of service again soon.