The power of “What can I do?”

Procrastination, task paralysis, difficulty initiating tasks is the second biggest symptom of neurodivergence (after chronic depression) I have to deal with. Even from a young age, this was problematic. I remember being 15, sitting on my bed, crying, because I wanted to clean my bedroom, but I felt giant, invisible grappling hooks in my guts holding me onto my bed; if I stood up, it would rip my insides. I think this might have been, unknowingly, the first time I became truly aware that I was different. It made no sense to me, to want to move in space, have four functional limbs that could, and yet, be unable to will myself to move. I honestly think that difficulty initiating task is the worse symptom of neurodivergence, because it prevents you from accessing a bunch of tools, healing practices and healthy lifestyle choices. It’s a symptom that keeps you trapped in your worse self. It’s also the symptom that causes the most shame and negative self talk and one of the symptoms that others often fail to understand; we appear lazy or like we simply don’t care.

I used to just accept the paralysis and stay in bed or on the couch all day, but now, when I find myself in a situation where I can’t do the things I want to do, now, the first thing I say is “Ok, but what CAN I do”. Maybe I can’t do the dishes, but I can rinse them so it’ll be easier tomorrow. Maybe I can’t take a shower, but I can brush my teeth. Maybe I can’t clean up my computer, but I could take the trash off of it. Sometimes, I don’t have any energy at all to move in space, but maybe I’ll read a book instead of scrolling, I’ll call someone to talk about how I feel or I’ll meditate. It’s all about breaking the pattern; you might not be able to do the thing you want to do, but option B doesn’t have to be your worse, most destructive behavior. There has to be at least one thing that you can do, that will genuinely fill your batteries instead of draining them.