Today I was scammed off 900$. I bought a phone on marketplace, there were several sketchy things about the transaction, but I thought it might just be a stolen phone… “’tis the season to steal a delivery truck” I was thinking. What I did not expect, was to buy a completely fake phone, along with fake IMEI number (which I checked, in the car, prior to the purchase). The turmoil that ensued was intense to say the least. I took this opportunity to put words on this unusual internal experience; the parts to accept, the parts that grew, the parts that still need growth.
The sale took place in a parking lot, once we left, I started testing out the camera since it’s the principal reason why I bought this phone. I quickly realized it was too crappy for this model. My heart started to pound. My first reaction was disbelief : I simply could not believe someone would be this dishonest, in my face, sitting next to me, lying with such calm composure… As I dug deeper into the phone, I realized without a doubt : it’s a fake.
At that point, we were still in the parking lot, I walked out of the car because I was afraid I would punch a window. I looked for the seller, a black teenage girl, but she had been gone for at least 5 minutes and was nowhere in sight. I felt so many emotions all at once. Disbelief that this had just happened, shame for not taking my time and looking at the phone better, anger for not listening to my gut telling me something was wrong, fury towards the person who set me up. I could feel the emotions physically, in my stomach; I felt sick and nauseous. Outside, I tried to do some somatic shakes but I felt like my insides wanted to become my outsides… it was no good.
I climbed back into the car and the primary emotion was fear. I was afraid that this would last WEEKS, afraid to be stuck ruminating on this, afraid this would have a lasting impact, and I kept circling back to my anger towards the seller for putting me through this and towards myself for not being sharper. The ride home was difficult, I immediately felt suicidal. My emotions were so overwhelming, in that moment, it felt like I would never be normal again.
When I got home, I went straight to bed, I yelled into a pillow and cried my face off for a few minutes; I really needed to let it out, but after, I laid on my back and did a butterfly hug with box breathing for several minutes. I called two friends to tell them what happened, they listened and validated my feelings. Skyler had been nothing but attentive and supportive this whole time, he went to get us some pizzas and brought me back a lottery ticket to make me laugh, which made me cry tears of gratitude for the delicate attention.
Within a couple of hours, my perspective on the situation was this; I wasn’t ruined, because I still have inheritance money, money that came from my white dad, born here and able to save while real estate was still affordable. A privilege I am certain this young lady’s and her parents will never have. It’s redistribution of wealth, it sucks, but I’m ok with it. I don’t blame her, or me, I blame capitalism that pushes people to such extremes, that makes us loose our humanity for survival.
All in all, it took me three hours to go from an extremely high level of activation to regulation. I’m proud of myself for immediately reaching out to my friends to share my burden and feel validated, in the past, I would have hidden away, feeling only shame for getting scammed and more shame for being upset about it. I’m proud of the balance I reached between feeling my emotions, giving them space, but also making sure I don’t break anything (or anyone) in that process and for making good time towards active self regulation.
I regret not trusting my instincts, in retrospect, I had a huge knot in my stomach telling me something was fishy and I didn’t listen to it, I will definitely pay more attention in the future…
I’m still feeling a little bit rattled, but I am mostly internally smiling from noticing the growth. It’s scary to feel this deeply all the time, to always be one minor inconvenience (although this one wasn’t exactly minor 😛 ) away from falling apart, but at least knowing that I can come back faster and faster is increasing my general sense of safety.
Dear universe, I had enough integration lately, can I please have a gentle 2026?
Another drop in the ocean 
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