A synthesis of attachement theory, neuroscience and developmental trauma research gives us 11 relational traumas ;
Abandonment
Rejection
Invalidation
Neglect
Enmeshment
Control / Domination
Betrayal
Shame / Humiliation
Emotional Insecurity / Unpredictability
Identity Suppression
Chronic Misattunement
If you can identify which you’ve suffered from in childhood, you’ll notice you’ve most likely repeated those in your adult relationships. In my childhood, I have experienced identity trauma, chronic misattunement, rejection, invalidation and neglect, but the name of the game for me, is and has always been: Abandonment.
Abandonment
“People leave when I need them.”
- Origin: emotional or physical absence, inconsistent caregiving, sudden losses
- Adult patterns: fear of being left, clinging or pre-emptive distancing, hypervigilance to rejection
- Nervous system flavor: anxious attachment, protest behaviors
Throughout my life, I was stuck in this cycle. People meet me, think that I’m great, funny, charismatic, and smart… then something happens. My emotions are too big, too irrational for them, my needs are too many, and I am abandoned because most people can’t relate to my inner experience and I wasn’t very good at expressing myself in the past. My invalidation grows, my abandonment grows, and I keep on feeling like I’m a mistake and shouldn’t exist.
I’ve recently met a lot of new people, and although I know I’ve grown tremendously since the days where I would call myself “crazy”, I was still very aware of the possibility of history repeating itself… and it did. I was part of group creating together, and I had communication difficulties with a person in that group. I wanted to believe a good old conversation could resolve everything. I spent three hours writing a letter respecting all the rules of nonviolent communication. I spoke about my feelings and my perspective and it was not well received to say the least. Ultimately, the person concerned decided to leave the group, and it took me three days to bounce back from this rejection.
At first, I fell into all the same patterns: shaming myself, asking myself what’s wrong with me and why I can’t have a normal life. I thought I’d never show my face around them again, but little by little, I tried to remember who I want to be. I envisioned the strength I aspire to. I spent a great deal of time sitting with my breath, slowing it down, but also sitting with my pain and letting it be. Eventually, I found my center again, the exact same person that I was before this happened. If you think three days is a long time, I should probably mention that it might be the first time I get deeply triggered in my abandonment wound and find my center again at all. In the past, those events marked and changed me forever. There’s a reason why the affirmation I had to pin to my wall to remember it, is: “Don’t let other people tell you who you are”.
The more I advance on my journey to become a mentor, the more I realize that mental health is simply a balance between push and pull; knowing when it’s time to just be and when it’s time for action. Far too much of the “healing” I’ve done throughout my life was geared toward the idea that suffering is a “wrong” state of being, the result of weakness or of putting oneself in the wrong situations. That some tools would change who you are at your core and you would magically never suffer again! Today, I believe that mental health is simply acceptance. Accepting who we are and also… who others are. Sometimes, you will be able to avoid tough situations; sometimes, you walk right into them. What drove me crazy for so many years was the belief that if I was in any difficult moment, it was because I wasn’t “healed” enough, and should retire in shame only to come back once I’ve paid for enough coaching, therapy and supplements. The holistic healing industry does capitalise on self-loathing…
I was so aware of the damage that rejection can cause, and I didn’t want to put this person through it. I thought they deserved to be told how their communication was received, I think everyone deserves a chance. But the truth is, in retrospect, I see I had anxiety around them since day one. I was picking up on something, and instead of trusting my gut, I invalidated myself. I told myself it was wrong of me to feel anxious and that my poor regulation was the cause of it. This leads me to think I have to learn a skill here: to be uncomfortable in someone’s presence and still respect and accept them. Maybe not everything needs to be discussed. Maybe not everything needs to be fixed, and keeping a distance from someone isn’t necessarily rejecting them, it might be the kinder option, as I know we both suffered from the experience. The next time this happens to me, this is what I’ll try, rather than holding on to my idealistic belief that everyone can get along with open communication, I’ll follow my gut without needing to label my decision.
Now, I hear people talk about healing trauma all the time. I don’t know if we have different traumas or what, but at this point in my life, I don’t believe in “healing” traumas. Things that trigger you will always trigger you, but with somatic tools, you learn to bounce back faster and faster until you’re no longer afraid of the trigger, because you know you can regulate so quickly it’s barely noticeable. I don’t think I will ever “heal” my abandonment trauma (not in the way my mother wishes I did anyway) I will always be sensitive to rejection. My childhood shaped me, I will never be a completely different person, nor do I want to be. But with time, and practice, what used to feel like a cannon ball in the stomach becomes a flea bite and I don’t have to live my life afraid of cannon balls.
Another drop in the ocean 
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