More integration in the arms of Captain Gaza.

On my second night here, I took myself out on a date. I brought one dress, the pink one, the one from my birthday. Here in Belize, they have a national sport every men plays in the street… cat calling 😉 . They are rather gentle about it, they won’t follow you around, but unlike my home town, where the best strategy is to ignore them, you’re absolutely not allowed to do so here; if you do, you will be told “das not how it is, down here, woman”. And so I smile and play the game, but truthfully it does feel rather safe compared to the agressive stalking you receive in Montreal.

When Captain Gaza saw me in my pink dress walking home, he hopped off his perch and bolted across the street to say Hi. Dreadlocks, tattoos, beard over a thin man barely taller than me. He seemed more my type than most of the bling bling Belizian that hit on me so far, I thought I’d see where this could go. He bought me a beer and we returned to his perch; the front of a boat-rental shop where he offers tours. He promised to take me out spear finishing the next day, which had me delay my departure to remain at Caye Caulker an additional day.

That night, he took me to a private beach, we drank, swam naked and fooled around. In the midnight ocean he kept trying to fuck me, but that’s not my style… I would just jump off with a twirl and a giggle. Eventually he said jokingly “what… are you scared of the cock-ee?”. Now, you have to allow for cultural differences. If a white boy in Canada said the same thing, I would have tore. him. to. shreds. But I get how they are here… so I just spoke my truth “No I’m not, I just don’t fuck someone unless I’m 100% into them and I just don’t know you enough to be 100% into you.” He tried one more time, I straight up said I was uncomfortable and he peeled away, keeping a distance after that.

Oh dear Alice. The pride I felt for this person that I have become, who can set boundaries and be true to herself… 10 years ago Capitain Gaza would have had his way with me and I would have laid there wondering why people are so into sex cause it’s really not that great.

The following day, I started to worry about, not only about the expectations he would hold after taking me out for a whole day of spear fishing and snorkeling, but also if I would still feel as strong after benefiting from his generosity all day. I decided the best policy was honesty, so I walked straight up to him and asked what he expected of me after taking me on this adventure and he said nothing… He seemed genuine.

I swam with nurse sharks, fished conch, he speared a barracuda… I was in the water all day. On the boat, we listened to my playlists. It was a dream day. We got back to shore, Gaza made conch ceviche – to die for – and grilled the Barracuda. Honestly, I was so glad we set expectations ahead of time because I think I would have felt owing if I had not.

We hung out some more in the evening, he was drinking a lot… and then he said something that couldn’t fit as well within the cultural margins of our value systems: women shouldn’t start things they’re not willing to finish; that’s why some men are in prison”. Oh boy. I did not hold my tongue this time. I told him that I wasn’t responsible for the story he told himself from me kissing him; if he thinks a kiss means a fuck, that’s 100% his problem. We talked about boundaries, consent for quite a while. In the end he thanked me, said he enjoyed learning more, learning something he could pass down to his sons and daughter. We cuddled on the beach, he had his head on my belly while I pet his hair, I could tell he was battling with some internal shame. I tried to be gentle and kind, there was just so much pain in his eyes before he started drinking, but then minutes later he dragged me to a dark corner of the beach and tried to take off my clothes… I swatted and his hand saying “What did you JUST LEARNED about consent!” . He said “I know I know I was just joking”… but my safety had left the building. I went to bed early and caught the first ferry back to the mainland to head to Hopkins, thanking him over whatsapp for a beautiful day.

For someone as deeply sensitive as I am and chronically depressed, even if that day was idyllic on paper, I have to say that my biggest treasure was to see how easy it was for me to set boundaries, in the moment, without hesitation. Coming from a girl who spent her 20’s thinking her only value as a person was her pussy, it took a lot of work to get here and it was all worth it.