Like many neurospicy folks on an eternal quest to intellectualize my emotions, I often soothe myself by finding precise words to describe complex feelings. Certain emotions, especially limiting ones, can feel insurmountable until I’ve successfully named them.
Today, I sat down and tried to explain to my wonderful partner what my overwhelming feeling of procrastination was really about, and I came up with words that scratched a 20-year-old itch. I swear to you… this was like a sneeze that had been loading for two decades. Thought I would share, as usual, in the hopes someone can relate and appreciate the precisions.
If you want to know if you can relate with this, it starts with a thought. In this case, it was: “Going to the gym.” The thought has to be something that is widely accepted as a way to better yourself. Cleaning your house, eating better, or meditating are all thoughts that might provoke the specific type of procrastination I’m talking about here.
For up to three seconds, the thought is real. It’s fully mine. I genuinely want to do the thing. Then comes a crushing feeling from my gut. A sense of danger that triggers my freeze response and suddently, it is very, very important that I do NOT do the thing.
This feeling is precisely what stops me from A LOT of self care.
I started by trying to explain this to my partner, asking them if they’d ever felt that way, but it was hard to describe. I wanted to, though. I wanted to be precise. So I lay on the bed, closed my eyes, took a few breaths, and dug deep.
And the words came, clear as day:
“If I do the thing, and I do it a few times even, I know that my value will grow in the eyes of certain people, even in the eyes of society, even maybe in my own eyes. But I’m afraid of not being able to continue doing the thing, and therefore losing that value.”
Wow.
I started to weep after that. I felt incredibly overwhelmed by the reality of living in a world where your value, even self percived, is tied to things you can’t control.
I’m trying to see that when I don’t do what is best for me because I’m afraid of not being able to persevere, I’m the only one who suffers, but it’s a lesson easier said than integrated.
Words, words… always all the words.
No path forward.
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