For the first time in my life, I am no longer simply surviving; I am actually living. For the first time in my life, the good parts of life actually outweigh the bad, and I am noticing one huge impact.
I have never been one for jealousy, but I have been critical. When you feel like you don’t belong, you analyze everything you do and, therefore, everything everyone else does, trying to figure out if you’re the problem or if others are.
Of all the content I consume, the art I gaze upon, the songs I listen to, or the movies I watch, less than 1% used to enthrall me. I was critical of everything. Only an expression of genius inspiration would tickle my fancy. Needless to say, this was reflected in the amount of creativity I was also capable of exporting into reality: none. Nothing would pass the firewall of perfectionism, in or out.
Now that I’ve finally reached a state of wanting to live, things have changed…
I think that, to my CPTSD self, the only way I could be of value was to be better than others. I had to come up with the most original idea, produce it in the best way, and be the only one doing the thing. I would be deeply critical of others in an attempt to figure out the “correct way” to be, or to create. We always shame people for what we don’t allow ourselves to be or do… so since I wasn’t allowing myself to create outside of perfection, I shamed those I considered to be imperfect. Mostly in my head, mind you.
Even though I’ve known for a long time that if you take pleasure in the process, the outcome is irrelevant, it took an incredible amount of time to integrate this lesson. So much of my self-worth was tied to the quality of my production; too much was at stake to relax in the process.
I would have FULL-ON meltdowns when I made mistakes, especially difficult-to-fix ones. I would immediately feel like I wasn’t meant to create (even though I’ve been making clothes since I was 12 years old) and abandon project for months, going back to criticizing everything I came into contact with.
The reconciliation did not happen overnight. It started with having a proper space to create at my lover’s house. It didn’t even start intentionally. I was exploring with inner tubes, which I LOVE, because working with free/cheap materials is such a joy… no pressure to ruin expensive fabric! I created stuff while exploring that wasn’t meant to be “good,” but it was! So I shared it.
Because I created from a place of exploration and not with a goal in mind, it allowed me to be very present with what I was doing. It allowed me to create this neural pathway for the first time: creating with a complete detachment from outcome. Now that this pathway has been carved, I know how to access it, even when I have a clearer goal in mind.
Additionally, I see so much more beauty in the world. I’m ALWAYS going to be analytical, but now I can see courage in clumsy attempts. I see trendsetting in stuff I don’t understand. I find all humans beautiful in their creativity because I understand how that’s really all that matters in the end…
I’ve made conscious efforts to give more compliments and send love to people I admire, something that doesn’t come naturally to me. But the biggest change comes from people doing the same thing I do. Where in the past I would have thought, “Damn, time to change my thing,” I now think, “Oh cool, my people!”
Maybe ask yourself today, what is it you still judge people on? Even as a simple thought going through your mind… what can it teach you about what you don’t allow yourself?
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